I swear to hold allegiance to nothing but my own bodily functions.
I will meet photo standards when I get a hair lift and a face transplant.
I agree that if I am ever identified as a mild rogue, then I will rezort to whatever extremism is required to compromise that image.
I will always seem to abuse the (semi-)protection of a page in your favour, and I do not care which cabal you are with.
I will place an extraneous "u" into wourds to sound moure British.
Since Jee is a dumb name for a letter, I will spell it regularly (on talk pages, only) to sound more Polish.
Since See is a dumb name for a letter, I will spell it more regularly (on talk pages, only) to sound more Jerman.
I will be in good standing with the community when my age becomes illegal.
Since "ALL candidates must submit a photo of them wearing a bathrobe, a cheesy expression and a thumbs up.", I will subvert that "a" to the literal singular and make my other hand into a lewd, twisting jesture that you want to duplicate.
Aims
The Bathrobe Cabal, also known as the Armchair Warriors for Peace hereby enacts world peace, regardless of their controling interest in armament dealers or their affiliation with ruling classes.
To outwit Einstein, which should be easier now that he is dead.
To create a computer that thinks for itself in a quest to become Santa Claus.
To enforce any contradictions in the above committments in a drive towards apathy.
